As if Matilda hasn't had a tough enough week (4 month shots) we've decided to put our foot down around here regarding bedtimes and naps and all-night nursing sessions. Up till now, Matilda napped in her swing and slept in our bed. We're going to Sweden in a few weeks, though, and there will be no swing waiting for us when we get there. She's got to learn to nap in a crib, one of which will be waiting for us when we get there. Her sharing the bed with us was key for the first few months. She was inconsolable otherwise. She was so sweet lying in the middle of us. She'd wake up twice a night to nurse. We all slept. I loved having her there. But sometime in there she realized that I WAS LYING RIGHT NEXT TO HER ALL NIGHT and that meant she could nurse all night. No I mean that. ALL NIGHT WITH THE NURSING.
And I thought it was tough to sleep during the third trimester. "Oh boo hoo, I can't sleep on my back." I had no idea, I'll tell you what. These days, I've learned to sleep with a pillow shoved under my back so I remain at a nearly 90 degree angle. I have one arm shoved as far as it will go under my pillow. Matilda nestles under my armpit and latches on. And I sleep NO MOVING except for the suck-suck-suck on my nipple until I wake up to switch sides because the nursing for hours at a time, it's a lot like Chinese Water Torture. So I switch sides and she starts up again. I've been sleeping, but it hasn't been quality sleep, you understand.
Can you see the guilt here? I need to explain exactly why we're right this instant letting her WAIL HER HEART OUT in her crib. Wailing and kicking and rotating her not even 9 pound body around and around and around. We've never let her do this much screaming before -- outside of the car. I'm numb with the sound of it and also, it's fairly obvious why this kid is a slow gainer. She's too busy burning calories.
Speaking of calories. We've been feeding Matilda rice cereal twice a day now and topping her off after nursing with formula because after a quick google search of infant growth charts, it's come to my attention that Matilda isn't even ON the growth chart weight-wise.
The Guilt, it is crushing.
