I started writing the previous post in June. Obviously I was frustrated already but for some reason I didn't post it then. I'm not entirely sure why I posted it now. I'm certainly surprised that anyone responded to it, either in the comments or email or the discussion it provoked in the forums, as I was fairly certain the only people reading this were family and (paranoid, possibly) people from a jury.
Niclas and I met in August of 2001. In February of 2002, we went skiing. We never made it as the bus we were on crashed. Niclas hurt his neck in that accident. It's intangible, the hurt. It's headaches and neck pain and back pain and tiring easily and memory problems. It's not being able to lift furniture or paint a room or shovel snow or drive long distance without pain. It's not remembering a conversation we had an hour ago or not remembering me asking him to do something.
It makes me feel terribly guilty, the pain, because it makes me so mad. So mad that it makes him so tired. Too tired to get up with the kids, too tired to even hear the kids wake up, too tired to stay up all day if he does get up with the kids. Too tired to take out the trash reliably or take the initiative to do many house/home/parent things. His pain makes me guilty because I can't see the pain, I only see the effects of the pain. It makes me furious because in the 5 months between meeting him and the accident, I think he was a different person.
We went to court over this accident. It was an unpleasant experience. We did nothing wrong and yet we were put under a microscope. Judged for getting married and buying a house and having kids. Things I had written and photos I had posted here were used to make us feel stupid. To prove that the accident has had no effect on our lives. They said, hey! You went swimming in Brazil! You dressed up for Halloween! You've gone to parties! He's fine! The jury judged him mostly fine.
He is not fine. We are not fine. I have to believe that the pain he experiences affects our lives as parents. I have to believe it's the pain that makes me angry because otherwise, it's just him that makes me angry. So I hate the pain and I hate my response to the pain. I hate that I understand theoretically how pain can be but the reality of living with pain just makes me so angry. I can't see the pain for the day-to-day living.
I have this irrational fear that people from that jury continue to read this blog because they were given the url at the trial. I hate that they were given a demented view of our lives and judged us accordingly.
